Industry Outsider

Today, I told my boss I have decided to leave the company. I’ll most likely hand in my notice next week. It was a perfectly pleasant conversation. I said that my personal projects are beginning to be more demanding and full time work is no longer a viable option for me, unless I’m willing to spend yet another summer working 7 day weeks, which is not an experience I’d care to repeat after last time. I was sort of smirking to myself in my head remembering the recent Stuntdubl post about breaking up with bad clients. I didn’t mention the fact that this decision was a process that came about after my growing dissatisfaction of the direction the company has been going (i.e. from independently owned startup to corporate-owned “standard” company) drove me to go and interview at an agency and that it was only then, when I was offered the options of several interviews for jobs that were much better than mine that I decided I didn’t really want a full time job at all right now.

I was shocked to discover how much I was affected by the whole thing. I thought I would feel a lot more relieved but really I feel quite sad and not a little bit scared, as I have nothing lined up so far and am not going to be looking for a bit (and I am not very good with money). The way I reacted really reminded me of some break ups I’ve had when I knew things weren’t working and decided to get out before we started hating each other. I know it’s the right decision: I’ve been bored and depressed as of late and have been feeling grossly undervalued; I really need to go.
I’ve not even considered changing my mind, but it’s been a longish relationship and I don’t hate anyone enough there for this to be easy. That is the problem with amicable breakups.

Just like the once-attentive boyfriend who’d gone complacent and has been taking you for granted until the moment when you announce that you’re leaving, people I’ve not actually spoken to in months (save for work-related stuff) have told me how much they’ll miss me. We all do it, you assume someone will be there forever so there’s no need to go out of your way to strengthen relationships that are already a given. Then they are no longer a given. All of a sudden I’m starting to think about all the good times, rather than the reasons why I’m leaving. Luckily I have my friends to tell me i’m doing the right thing (”he’s not right for you”, “you can do better”, etc.)

Just like a person, a company has many aspects (people, regulations, etc.), some favourable and some less so. Just like a person, a company can change, gradually or overnight and make you realise that you’ve drifted apart or that you’ve been staying together for entirely the wrong reasons. My job could never really give me what I really want (i.e. a creative environment where I could develop as a writer/artist) but for a while it gave me the chance to learn and develop other things (i.e. SEO, marekting). Beyond a certain point,though, I’d learnt as much as I could learn in this relationship. So to keep me there, it made up for the stagnation by taking care of me (pay) allowing me to see other people (i.e. flexibility to work on my own projects) and giving me presents (sending me off to conferences abroad). Once all these things were taken out of the deal, I realised we should really not be together anymore. I’ve had real relationships end up like that. With people. I know how it works, so I know I’m doing the right thing and that I’ll be fine. For now, though, it feels pretty damn weird.